Ever feel crazy when trying to talk with your kids? You may not be crazy. It may be your child is infected. Read on to understand what the infection is and how to stop it.
Communication. What is it? Telling your story? Getting something off your chest? Expressing yourself? All of this may be important but is it what you REALLY want to accomplish when trying to communicate? What good is it to get something off your chest just to transfer it to someone else’s? What benefit is there in telling your story if the one to whom you’re speaking doesn’t understand you?
Here’s the problem. You may be earnestly expressing your sincerest feelings but the one listening may not understand your language. Imagine this- you’re in a restaurant when in runs a man who appears to be Chinese. He begins yelling, at you, something in a language that sounds Chinese. He is passionate, maybe even angry. You listen intently as he grabs your shoulder and begins pulling you out of your seat. Then, your anger begins rising as he invades that small space that generally acts as a force field keeping strangers at bay. As he tugs, you push. Tug. Push. Tug. Push. Until you see the gunman walking through the door. Uh oh. He wasn’t trying to start a fight. He was looking for help and warning you of impending danger.
How many times has this scenario occurred with your children? You think they are angry but it turns out they were only warning you. Maybe they had something to tell you regarding their previously reckless behavior but, rather than hearing them, you started the familiar tug, push, tug, push. You don’t like their tone so you push. They continue to tug, their heart crying desperately,”Mom, listen to me! I want to tell you something important!” You continue pushing, yelling,”Don’t talk to me that way! I’m your mother!” They persist as they grab your emotional shoulder,”Listen to me! I need to tell you something!” Then, they run out of the room.
Effective communication begins when you speak the same language.
So, what language does your teenager speak? English? Of course not. They speak a language unknown to adults. It is the language of Teen Age. Teen Age is like a virus that invades a host and lives in it but doesn’t kill it so the virus can survive. Teen Age invaded our lives too. It survived us and was passed on to the next generation slightly mutated. It constantly mutates so a vaccine cannot be formulated to inoculate the next generation. If Teen Age is constantly mutating, including the language it speaks, how can we ever hope to understand it? I thought you’d never ask . . .
The same way a scientist studies a virus in hopes of developing a vaccine. They watch its behavior. They spend time with it. They read about it. They talk about it. Some probably talk to it. They go to seminars to hear what other scientists have learned about it.
What don’t they do? Yell at it (maybe occasionally at the end of a long day). Ignore it. Stay away from it. Laugh at it. Get impatient with it. Do they love the virus? No. They love the host, though. Do you love Teen Age? No. You sure love your teenager. Yelling at Teen Age won’t help your teenager. Being impatient with Teen Age won’t help your teenager. Staying away from Teen Age won’t help your teenager. Loving, spending quantity time with and listening to your teenager when they speak will help you understand Teen Age. Watch their body language, eye movements, hand gestures and voice inflection. Put down your phone and listen, not to their words, but to their heart. Learning their language is going to take time, focus and concentration- not occasional glances between page loads on Facebook.
Learning the language of Teen Age may be every bit as hard as learning Chinese. In fact, it may be more difficult since Teen Age is a dynamic language and your kids are only teenagers for a few short years. But, learning their language will make communication possible. Learning Teen Age will result in you understanding your child and your child finally understanding you. And a previously loving, healthy relationship may be restored.
Don’t blame your teenager for their Teen Age infection. Love the host. Battle the Infection.